grandma shit on top of the toilet
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
