If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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