I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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