I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
