After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
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Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
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How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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