I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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