Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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