I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
