hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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