i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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