my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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