My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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