i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
