Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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