and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
