hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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