went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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