I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
