i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
