I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
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Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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