I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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