: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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