Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
