why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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