after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
