just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
