My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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