I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
