my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
