Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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