Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
