i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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