Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
