White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
