a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All I want is dick and wine.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
