You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
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Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
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There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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