My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
