im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence