u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ