All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win