i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
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Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done