i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You took a bar mat shot.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.