dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
