I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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