so explain again why im purple
no
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
