Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.