That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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