she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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