Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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