we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
