The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
