You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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