i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
