Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
