YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Randomize
