Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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