Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
