Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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