I wish I could punch you in the face.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
