wrigley field is MILF paradise
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
