You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
