WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
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I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
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