I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
