you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
