Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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