Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
